Healing After Pain and Trauma
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
Do you ever feel like you have been robbed of certain things?
Robbed of your childhood?
Robbed of a special moment?
Robbed of a piece of who you are?
Robbed of a special occasion?
Robbed of a part of your life?
Robbed of a good or happy life?
You sometimes wonder how things would have turned out or what they would have looked like if those moments or times had happened and played out differently.
That was me, for so long.
I know I still occasionally find myself thinking about it and every once in awhile… those “what if’s” and “if only’s” creep in and scenarios run through my mind. Only now, I don’t allow it to take ahold of my life.
While we can’t change our past, the things that have happened to us that are beyond our control, and we don’t have a say when it comes to our future (or at least much), we do have something right now, though… a choice.
A choice. A beautiful, beautiful and powerful choice. Our minds, thoughts and actions belong to us.
You have the ability to see what you have lost as well as the ability to see what you still have.
You have the ability to dwell on those painful things and “what if’s” or the ability to focus on the fact that you were and are able to find a new path in life - one that is good.
You have the ability to stay stuck in the “should have been” and “I can’t believe that happened to me” or you have the ability to move forward.
You have the ability to see differently.
You have the ability to change your story.
Here are 5 ways to give you a starting point on shifting your thoughts and life towards the road of moving on and healing:
1. Identify
What was “the thing” for you? Was it something that happened? Was it something said? Was it a series of things? Was it a way that someone made you feel or something they did?
You can help to identify by taking time to intentionally go back to those times/moments and replay it/them in your mind. As you do so, really pay attention and tune into yourself.
How does it make you feel? What emotions are getting brought up? Where in your body are you feeling those emotions? Is it in your stomach? Your chest? Back? Do you hold your breath?
Take time to sit, reflect, journal and write it out, and even role play to an empty chair (if it applies to your and your situation/pain/trauma).
It’s so good and extremely important to allow ourselves to process things and events as they happen instead of shoving them away. But I know that it not something most of us do or have learned to do until we were much older (if we are lucky!). It’s something that I personally really struggle with.
If we were to look into our brains right now, we would have all these separate past and current hurts just floating around and cluttering it… each trauma and hurt all separate from one another… separated from your feelings… separated from your emotions… all jumbled up. We have to revisit and unpack those things. It will be slow, it will be painful, there will be negative side effects, it will be frustrating, it’s not going to feel good but if we want to move on and have a more abundant life it’s something that we must do.
2. Reclaim
There are 3 things I want to touch on:
Know and believe that you did the very best that you could.
You are able to give the pain and things you experience a meaning… And the meaning we give it helps decide our actions, emotions and even in a way the outcome.
THIS is the meaning I’m going to give “it” and this is the action I’m going to take away from it.Create a positive mantra/saying.
How we talk to ourselves matters. When those emotional pains resurface, or when your brain stumbles upon old thoughts and pain you had forgotten, completely out of no where, it helps to reframe those thoughts.
”I can’t believe that happened to me” —> “My feelings are valid, but I’m so happy that I’m on this new path in my life.”3. Have patience
Things take time and always have their own pace.
It’s so good and important to allow ourselves to process things and events as they happen instead of shoving them away. But I know that it not something most of us do or have learned to do until we were much older (if we are lucky!). If we were to look into our brains right now, we would have all these separate past hurts just floating around and cluttering it… each trauma and hurt separate from one another… separated from your feelings… separate from your emotions… unconsciously dictating how we navigate our lives. We have to revisit and unpack those things. As you break free and set things free, it will be slow, it will hurt and be painful, there will be negative side effects, it will be frustrating, you will have tears in your eyes and in your heart, but if we want to move on and have a more abundant life we must. We must do the work and work through those things.4. Refocus
Reset your focus on whats more important in your life right now. What or who is your “why” that keeps you going? What we give our focus to grows, so invite in what you want - peace, growth, confidence, joy, positive energy, love, etc.
5. Help
We aren’t suppose to do everything on our own!!
If you need to talk it through with someone, wether it be a friend or a professional - do it! Please, never be afraid of seeking professional help or inquiring about medication. That shouldn’t be something that we need to be ashamed of. Ever. There are somethings that are beyond our capabilities.
If you have been thinking about looking into seeing a therapist/counselor you can read my blog post I wrote sharing a few tips on how to find the right therapist. You can find it here.
I saw my therapist for roughly 9 months before we moved out of state and I wish to this day that I was able to continue seeing her.
So, despite that we may sometimes feel like we have missed out parts of our life, I hope that you realize that your life is beautiful and is worthy and you will find your healing.
xo,
Alison
