Light Through The Cracks

"It’s my party, and I can cry if I want to.”

When it came to my birthday, there was a time that those lyrics held more truth in my life than anyone will ever know. 

You see, it wasn’t because I had a hard time with “getting older”; instead it was a trigger from deeply rooted trauma. It would bring back up painful memories in a vengeance, and it would feel like my wound was getting ripped open all over again. Just the thought or mention of my birthday would send a nauseating wave of pain throughout my body - the gut wrenching kind that would bring me to my knees (or realistically for me, the fetal position) and a wave of overwhelming sadness would come over me, accompanied by a monsoon of tears. I would spiral into depression, withdrawing myself from everyone and everything, building my walls higher and higher every time to help “protect” myself: trying to stop myself from feeling and reliving memories I wish I could forever erase from my mind and life.

I hid it the best I could, holding it all in until I was alone and behind closed doors, but I always wondered if people could see through the facade I was putting on. 

I’m telling you this now, because while my birthday doesn’t bring me to my knees as it once did, it still continues to bring a knot to my throat, misty eyes and is a trigger for me. I know now that around the time of my birthday I need to give myself a little extra support. I have to give myself a little extra grace, a little more leniency, allow time for extra self care, make room to feel, acknowledge and process as well as disrupt and distract when I’m starting to get pulled down too far. 

While you may or may not be able to relate entirely, most of us have (or will) experienced trauma in our life at some point. 
It hurts.
It cuts deep.
It marks you.
It alters you, as a person. 

We will never be able to erase our trauma, it will forever be a part of us. It will forever be a living thing that we will have to face time and time again.

I’m not sure I will ever be “thankful” and “glad” for the things that I have gone through in my life, but I no longer wish them away like I use to. I am able to see the light through the cracks instead of a ghastly nightmare that use to haunt me day and night, without a warning. I now have a reverence for them and the part they have played in my life. They are a big part of who I am, and what made me who I am.

It has not been easy by any means getting to this point, and my journey to healing is not over yet; it’s something that I still have to keep in the forefront of my mind and actively work towards, probably for the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll share more on that another day, but for right now I want to say…
if you are struggling right now, 
if you are hurting,
if you are sad and depressed,
if you have gone through trauma,
if you don’t know how you are going to keep moving forward...

Hold onto hope. 
Even if it’s only the smallest sliver of hope. Hold on to it tightly.

Because, while some of it will forever be apart of you, you won’t have to carry the heaviness of it forever. 

It will get better.
Your path to healing is in front of you.
There is light in the cracks for you as well.
You are a survivor.


xo,
Alison

Dress is old from ASOS