Alison RyanJune 22, 2025loss, loss of pet, grief, dog, loveComment

A Year Of Missing You

Alison RyanJune 22, 2025loss, loss of pet, grief, dog, loveComment

Then…
June 20th, 2024

Dear Denalli,

I’ve never been angry at you, not even for a second of your whole life, but this comes close. Even now, though, I’m not angry at you. I’m more angry at the what ifs, if onlys, could ofs, and should ofs that I’m plagued with.

I’m struggling my sweet boy.
Loosing you hurts so much.
It’s left a Denalli size hole in my heart and a void in my life.
With you gone each day feels like a million years long.

It feels as if something is squeezing my heart and lungs to the point it’s hard to breathe.
It feels like there is a lead weight that is strapped to my heart.
My body is going through the motions to get me through the days but I feel numb and paralyzed on the inside.

Words are too hard right now.
I am not okay.

Now…
June 20th, 2025

Dear Denalli,

I’m still not okay.

It’s been a year of missing you.
A year of missing the little moments and quirks.
A year of feeling your absence immensely.
A year of carrying around a silent, enormous grief that is so crippling and inconsolable, yet invisible to the naked eye.
A year of memories being played over and over again in my mind, trying to hang onto them before they fade. While the memories are fleeting and I’m continually loosing you you by infinitesimal degrees every day, the love I have for you will never fade.
A year of of momentarily forgetting of your physical absence and then the rollercoaster of reliving the loss all over again.
A year of tears that spring out of nowhere, catching me by surprise.
A year of those prickly tingles in the eyes and nose when thinking of you.
A year of a heavy, rock like pain in my heart.
A year of continually being ambushed by grief.
A year of all this love I want to give to you but with no where for it to go. So it gathers and builds up.
A year of finding your little hairs…
Patting them onto my clothes while saying, “Hello, Denalli, my sweet boy. Thank you for coming to visit me.”
A year of picking up your hairs…
Making a wish and blowing them out into the world for you to be carried far and wide.
A year of feeling so hollow.
A year of being so thankful for the many years we got together.

A love that was shared never ends.
I will always take you with me, wherever I go, your being is etched into my heart.
You will be forever missed.
Forever loved.
Forever my baby boy.

I love you my sweet boy.